CONFESSIONS

 

To days of Winter nights he sings some odes

Of puzzling mysteries he cannot grasp

How winter’s cold to him were never woes

When faithfully she clings on to his grasp

 

O Love, how those were our good old days

Of raising sand and counting on the stars

You were my fortress, safety, calm, and haze

A sea of constancy in life’s unsolved mess

 

Yet now how strangely time has altered all

How cold and ruthless Spring and its delights

Two strangers met through leaves of Autumn’s ball

Now spending summer scorching heat in tears

 

Has season swapped love’s fruits for monstrous brute

That grants us loneliness and rage and greed?

 

(why do we love if all that lingers is but a bitter memory?)

child sleeps to lullaby:

wind sings her songs

to winter’s rage

he ponderously

steps on autumn’s flames -

wondering if they see

red moon cries:

the sun stole her night

in days of summer

soon spring dances

and flowers cry -

their silent songs

“it’s funny how we feel so much but cannot say a word”

sometimes in deep distress

i regret my existence

i regret the decision to follow a passion

that later consumes

ruthlessly

mercilessly

now left clinging on this hope

that once

maybe

light will come to rescue from the abyss

of desperation

wondering if days of weeping will finally turn to laughter

or even victory

i ran fast but ended up in my starting point

in this cold place, beside myself

i never thought i can feel so alone

in this crowd

i gave up words for you, gave up defenses and medicines

yet you defy me

of my deepest longing

and one day, maybe,

i will go to rest

finally sleeping after a long, harsh day

but will i wonder if waking, after all, is a better

alternative?

and will i take chances, will i heal broken wings or will i stitch them together again - just to have them broken again one day? will i be a better person than the one i am in the beginning of the year? for what i see in a mirror is a man, tired of trying to be perfect for the standard of everyone he loves and holds dear to his heart..for what i encounter everyday is a soul searching for something to fill the gap and to feed itself in times of trouble and doubt..will i make better decisions? learn better from my mistakes? will i make drastic changes the way i did the previous year? will i love more than i hate? will i surrender my life to the one whom i owe it to? will be able to meet the demands of those i love, or will i rebel against it? will i love again? will i keep wondering why? will i answer more questions or ask more questions instead?

and i shall never forget

a thousand years from now, when

both our bodies are dead bones

inconceivable shape

or a thousand miles from here - the castle

where we built our own fairytale

or a thousand faces we passed throughout

our lifetime

the faces we love

the faces we hate

the faces we long to see again but may never

encounter

or a thousand changes of the road

ahead of us

we are still young

never shall i forget

the wind that blowed on the street of new york,

where our feet tirelessly wonder

the world was a universe away - to me there was only you

to you only me

we savor each moment we had together

your hands in mine

the deep conversations we had

the way your left knee met my right on our way home in the bus

when we care about nothing and too many things at the same time

and all the days i will cherish

the conversations we had that night

how we both felt - how we know for sure that this connection

happens for a reason

they said the first cut is the deepest

and i thank you

never shall i forget

new york fall - the whole city withering

when all we knew was that you were for me and

I for you.

i wish i could go somewhere far

where i can create my own haven

a sanctuary to run to when all the world

falls into blinding madness

for i am an exile and home does not even feel like home anywhere

i wish i could go somewhere far

where your concerned looks don’t haunt me anymore

where no one asks whether i’m okay

a place i could just dig

and bury all my sadness

and all the issues i left untold

i wish i could go somewhere far

where i could release all the pain and the labor

of trying too hard and earning nothing in return

where i could rehearse happiness

and be content all over again

and i shall run towards that place

i shall sprint to the hands of the one who could ease my burden

and take away all the sadness

but they said it would be cheating

you came to me and told me

i’m a guy with a bunch of problem

i put all of them on my back and managed a smile on my lips

fake cheerfulness is what always gets you through a day

you told me "take your medicines

for there will come a time when your bitterness gets too much

to take

your internal bleeding too acute to cure"

you told me "prevent"

i was trying hard

but sometimes i wonder whether i should be here

you told me i was the guy with a lot of illnesses

and all i need’s a good doctor

to keep me from my insomnia

or the tears that could never stream on my face

when my heart was torn into pieces

sometimes i wonder why it’s so hard to cry

when i suffocate, trying to relocate my life in this big messed world

sometimes i wonder why

words would never come when i need them most

why i could never open up the deepest part of me

and why i would just fake it through a smile

why i could never tell them my issues and broke into tears of desperation

"tell him it’s better to let it out"

sometimes i wonder if this is all worth the fight

the struggle

the murder of one’s own inner selves

i don’t pick up the phone

i don’t reply to your messages

and if i shall meet you tomorrow i’ll tell you i’m content

that life is good and i am fine

for that’s the way we interact as humans

sometimes i wonder why

lies are always the best medicine

today, as i passed 116 street,

i met the wind

i greeted her

she answers

<silence>

i met the stone

i nudged him

he was

<silent>

i met the sky

he was vast and blue and cloudy

but he was, too,

<silent>

i, for the first time,

stood there

wonder if my life, from this point on,

is made for silence

for it fills the air,

denser than the oxygen you breathed

(you don’t suffocate when you breathe oxygen)

but with silence

it’s deafening

today

i walked to dinner with (him)

he was silent

the past few days we haven’t talked much

i wish that separation would give us space

that it would be a time capsule for us to unravel for each other

and that it would be a hole, where we can re-knit the whole

scheme about our friendship

but we were silent the whole way through

we ate in deep silence

it’s blue,

thick like blood,

and it gets into your brain, as damaging voices fill your lungs

i tried calling (her)

and texting back

but she was silent

nobody’s there

"isn’t anyone trying to find me,

won’t somebody come take me home"

it’s always cold nights i encounter

with beads of silence

(deafening silence i tell you)

to count that gives me anaesthetic

it’s always that sensation when you looked around the cafetaria

and realize the painful fact that you know nobody

so you opened a book while you devour your yucky sandwich

only to fill your head with voices

(anything but silence, you know)

the city hisses but all i see is lonely faces

walking down the road

i’m one of them

today, as i passed 116 street,

"it’s a damn cold night

trying to figure out this life,

won’t you take me by the hand take me somewhere new

i don’t know who you are but i’m….."

yesterday

i was just a little kid

running amidst the hung laundry at my grandma’s place

i didn’t like my dad

and mom was called to school everyday for reports of my bad behavior

yesterday

i bit my sister’s arms for fun

i didn’t care though the world might hate me

i know i love me

yesterday

i got my first best student award

searched my mom amidst the clapping crowd

bet you never thought a problemmatic child at kindergarten

could do so well

there are things in life that twists as easily as when you

flip the palm of your hand

yesterday

i was a kid forcefully brought to piano lessons by mom

i was a kid who sweared he’d never like math

i was a kid who watched each disney movies ten times

i was a kid who knew and thought nothing of the future

yesterday

i finally learn to love math

and piano lessons

i finally learn to love and treasure and value highly

my dad

one of my childhood enemies

i learned that we have a lot of similarity

especially that we both grow and change

only through the grace of God

yesterday

i worried about the girl i liked

and how my friends didn’t like me

i worried about the girl i liked

and how she never knew i did

i worried about the girl i liked

who didn’t like me back

yesterday

i hated my personal IB preparations

i wanted to spit on my ever-piling applications

i spent nightmares over my IB scores

each of them presenting me as a failure in each of my exams

i spent two days cramming for my biology exams

yesterday

i was happy for the conservatory where I’m accepted

i was happy for my IB scores

yesterday

i gave her a phone call

i told her how i really felt

and hoped silently from now on that i bury my feelings

i opened my pandora box

but today i learned

that yesterday was yesterday in its own rights

i might hate my past but it wouldn’t help me to change it

so i learn

day by day to forgive myself, to be thankful of the past

and to move on to a better life

not bound by parents or teachers or high school or friends

but by my own responsibility to The Creator

tomorrow

will it be a brighter day?

tomorrow

will i pursue my dreams or will i change my directions?

tomorrow

will i be with the one made for me?

tomorrow

will i miss today?

i fear

that one day there would be

someone to fill my space

someone to carry on the torch

the flame in your heart

i fear

that we shall never be the same anymore

that we’d never laugh the way we do now

that we’d never cry the way we do now

for people come and go

and i fear

would i find the new you,

when you have found the new me?

would i be able to love

and at the same being able to let go?

to let you fly on your own wings

i fear

that i would never know the answer

(but then i always do, only when

the time comes

and when i don’t feel like knowing anymore)

i fear

changes

loneliness

i fear myself